It can be comforting to have simple answers to complex problems. Like
attributing stress and mental illness to alien parasites placed in human
bodies by a galactic overlord who existed before the universe even existed.
Here are easy steps to overcome problems and attain enlightenment:
- First, visit one of our offices for an evaluation where we can gather your personal information and undermine your confidence. We will convince you, as fresh raw meat to Scifiology, that your life is in ruins, and that you must disconnect yourself from family and friends who might convince you otherwise. This works best if you're already vulnerable with low self-esteem.
- After you come to realize what a broken, diminished and humiliated wretch you are, Scifiology will get you back in control after you sign contracts and waivers.
- Give your committment and money to the church. Don't worry about this life here and now; just think how much better off you'll be in the future by rejecting reality.
- You will also be rewarded by leveling up, like in a video game. The fewer thetans (alien parasites) that you still have in your body, the higher your score. Never mind that it's a completely subjective claim made by us as to how many thetans you harbor.
- Keep paying for cleansing, auditing, counseling, books, courses and other services and materials. Take out loans if you can, as debt is meaningless compared to the triumph of your future.
- If you decide to leave Scifiology, members will be required to sever all contact from you, even close family and friends. Good luck surviving outside the embrace of Scifiology.